TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION IN THE TIME OF QUARANTINE
Oy, the challenges of self-quarantine, or lockdown! We feel the loss of so much: security, company, income, professional identity, usefulness, sex, cuddles, hope, and the list goes on, differently for each of us.
How do we use this time? What is the opportunity here?
We feel good when we can sew a mask or go shopping for others, show support to the front-liners, demonstrate good boundaries, and enact proper social distancing.
We pay an emotional cost, though, for soldiering on through the loneliness and sadness. How do we feel about lavishing care on ourselves? Do we feel we're being indulgent, and therefore being bad? Do we imagine God gives us extra points for reinforcing some measure of austerity in our lives? Are we sinning or doing a mitzvah (a righteous deed) by mindfully generating pleasure for ourselves alone?
A verse in Leviticus 19:18 includes the famous instruction, וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ -- You shall love your fellow as yourself. Rabbi Akiva asserts this as a fundamental teaching of Torah (Jewish Scripture).
Truly loving another or our loving ourself is not a matter of sentiment. Forget the Valentine's Day hallmark card. Loving is measurable in both our doing and our not doing. The original verse from Torah makes the meaning explicit: We shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge. Rather, we shall love our fellows as yourselves. We have to move beyond our resentments, and our compassion must flow as freely to another being as it flows within us as individuals.
This prompts the question, are we generous and compassionate to ourselves? I hope we make love to others with consent, respect, and imagination, offering them as much pleasure as we can and as they want. Good lovers look for the sensitive spots and both ask, listen, and intuit how to touch them for maximum desired effect. We make love to others to make them feel good, to express our affection and care for them. Generous touch doesn't place expectation on our partners. They aren't obligated to cum. They aren't obligated to respond in any certain way -- although we are allowed to ask for "feelback." It's very ok to say "Let me know if this feels good."
Especially in this time of relative isolation and fearfulness around contact with others, how do we make love as generously to ourselves as we would to a beloved other? In stressful times, it's easy to use masturbation as a sedative, a sleep aid, an emotional painkiller. Can we instead use it as "spa time," as a gourmet experience? Can we give ourselves an uninterrupted hour of our own attention? Can we treat ourselves to a new sex toy or sexy garment? Are our consciences clear about just making ourselves feel good. Can we say a blessing over our own bodies and desires?
Jewish morning blessings include one fabulously ambiguous one, ברוך שעשה לי כל צרכי , which translates as both "Blessed is the One who meets all my needs" and "Blessed is the One who creates all my needs." The same words can bless both our desire for sensation and gratification and bless the gratification itself. The yearning to feel good and the good feeling we yearn for are both from God.
I point all this out because our circuitry is wired by our puritanical society to criminalize and demonize our erotic urge. The voice that says "Don't!" is already pre-programmed. We have to bring the voice that says "Do!" -- the voice that says our desires are Godly.
If we can't go out, if we are nervous about touching others, then we need to find the blessings in staying in and touching ourselves. Blessed is the Creative Force that makes me desire pleasure. Blessed is the Creative Force that allows my desires to be satisfied.
Have a good lockdown, today, everybody!